Last week I started my PTSD therapy with horses at a local ranch. I'm an EMT of 18 yrs and have severe PTSD due to my work. Initially, I was really nervous about starting this type of therapy. I've tried therapy a handful of times and always quit because my therapist never really understood what I am going through—the things I've seen smelled and heard. I just didn't connect the way I wanted and needed to.
But I promised myself that I would stick with this. I miss myself. My daughter misses her mom and my husband misses his wife. It's just really gotten so hard. So last Wednesday before I went to the therapist's office, I took a deep breath and said a prayer. I talked to the therapist and felt okay, but the minute I walked out to the horses, I felt at home.
It was like they understand me. Looking into Lola's eyes, I felt connected. We did breathing exercises, and at first, Lola was stand-offish, but in the end, I opened my eyes she was beside me. I had calmed down. It's only my first session but I feel this is going to help. I cannot wait until next Wednesday for my next session.
I'm hoping between that and journaling my sessions, I can make headway in my recovery. 18 years in EMS I've seen so much and heard so much. When I close my eyes, I get flashbacks of my calls – hearing families beg me to save their loved ones or people begging me not to let them die. Having to hold loved ones as I tell them, "I'm sorry I tried." That there was nothing more we could do.
It's going to take time. I understand that. I have to find the strength to stay with this therapy. But I really feel I like I've found a place that will help me heal. Well I'm going to end this for tonight. I'm having a hard time seeing the screen through my tears.